How to practice Mindfulness when leaving a toxic relationship.

           Mindfulness during a breakup or no contact.  Mindfulness is a practice of observing our thoughts and behaviors but not judging them.  It’s highly likely that when you were exposed to the Narcissist that their thoughts and judgments about you were dominating.  So, when we go NO CONTACT mindfulness is a tool to help us slow down the negative ruminating thoughts that we have about ourselves. We have left the prison of the toxic relationship, but many verbalize that during the NO CONTACT phase that they feel like a prisoner in their mind.  Therefore, beginning to implement mindfulness skills can be helpful to reducing the severity of suffering, it is not eliminating the negative thoughts, but it is allowing us to tolerate it more safely.  I encourage my clients to pick one of the principles of mindfulness and set an intention for the day or week focused on that one principle.  Take it slow, you don’t need to try and incorporate all of these in one day or even in one week.  This is a lifelong practice. 

COMPASSION

One of the main principles I teach my clients is started to explore and embody the principles of mindfulness.  We literally have been depleted from leaving a Narcissist, so we need to start by slowly spoon feeding ourselves compassion.  No one openly goes into a Narcissistic Abusive relationship and our traumas, attachment styles are all informing the partners that we chose, so please remind yourself that you are not a psychic, and that trauma bonds are so powerful. We all make mistakes, instead of using your mistakes as markers of all that is wrong with you, accept that you have begun to start learning from these mistakes.   Celebrate that you can take the first step to leaving the relationship.  The Narcissist was not able to show you compassion during your darkest moments so now it’s time for you show that to yourself.  Observe ways that you are either being compassionate or need to implement more compassion to yourself.   What parts of your life do you judge yourself? Your relationships? Your career? Your appearance?   Ask yourself what gentle words you can say to yourself to be less harsh and more compassionate.

Affirmations for Self-Compassion:  I am allowed to be safe, mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally.

I am giving myself the gift of compassion as an act of kindness to myself.

Create a compassion stone.  When you are being flooded by the negative thoughts about yourself or the relationship with the Narcissist pick a stone or pain a rock that is a symbol of your recovery. When you are emotionally flooded, grasp the compassion stone in your hand allowing yourself to feel all the sensations as you touch it, and see it.  Take a couple of breaths and close your eyes and remember as your hold your compassion stone that this is a symbol of your recovery, you can carry it with you in your pocket, keep it on your desk, or carry it with you.  Grab for it when you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Create a compassion stone or rock. What colors are healing to you? Is there a mantra or affirmation you want to paint on the rock?  

PATIENCE

One of the things that clients talk about when they have left a Narcissist, or a toxic relationship is that they want to turn off the pain or just get this part of their life over with.  It is important to know that moving on requires cultivating patience with yourself.  This is a daily process. I wish the healing could be in monumentally large doses, but it just doesn’t work that way, significant changes often are like small steps.   Be patient with yourself.  The first 30 days I tell clients that you may have to focus hour by hour and day by day. Don’t try to rush the healing process.  Be patient with yourself that you are going to have days that feel like they swallow you up more. Be patient with your body and mind.  Your body and mind also have been living in a hypervigilant state and it will take time for it begin to return to a place of safety. Listen to your body!!!!   Here are some things you can do daily.  Write down what is making your impatient, is it the fact that you want the pain and lingering negative thoughts to end? Try and reframe the situation and tell yourself that patience is a process, and that this is foundation of healing.  Make sure you’re doing some physical that helps your body and mind decompress, again our bodies are slowing returning to a state of homeostasis.  Finally, meditation of any kind whether it is a guided meditation, a walking meditation, an art meditation will help you begin to strengthen the body and mind to grow its level of patience. 

NON-JUDGING

Many clients share their experience after leaving a Narcissist like it was a bad movie, with bad lighting, bad acting and they can’t believe that they starred in this horror film.  If you find your mind going into what are ruminating thoughts about the Narcissist and replaying distressful scenes that you had with them, don’t judge these thoughts or feelings, just notice that your mind has been wandering here. Continue to observe when you are judging yourself for either staying in the relationship for too long, or not advocating for yourself in the past. Acknowledge that it happened but that you just didn’t have the right tools at the time to cope with it.  We need to stop judging ourselves harshly.  Every time you find yourself judging or the inner critic comes out, stop if you can take a pen and paper and just write down what the judgment is.  Read it out loud and gently say to yourself this is me harshly being hard on myself and I am ripping up this critical judgement, throw it out, burn it do whatever you need to do but get rid of it.  It’s common to be very critical and judgmental because this is what the Narcissist was mirroring to you in the relationship. 

BEGINNERS MIND

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few.” – Shunryu Suzuki

This principle is basically learning and accepting that you don’t know or have all the answers to your problems.  But what is paramount about this mindfulness principle is that you approach your healing from a place of curiosity, openness, even being playful like a child again in trying new coping skills. It’s about being able to be excited about new possibilities. I know you may not feel that way immediately after you go no contact but just planting the seed in your mind is powerful. The beauty if you can tap into this principle is that you are learning! You have left that toxic relationship and learning growth while the Narcissist pretty much believes and asserts that they are the expert on everything and especially an expert on your deficiencies. Toss that idea out!!

TRUST

Part of our recovery from Narcissistic Abuse is that we have found ourselves in a place where we have such a high level of self-doubt, and we don’t even trust our ideas or feelings. Practice trusts each day with yourself, you are the expert on your problems.  Watching videos or following therapist or coaches that are specializing in Narcissistic Abuse if there is something that you don’t connect with or doesn’t feel safe to you, trust your feelings. You don’t need to always rely on therapist or coaches to know everything about Narcissistic Abuse as well. You will always know what the right thing for you is.

NON-STRIVING

I know that you want to heal the wounds from this insidious abuse but also allow yourself too just be.  You don’t have to go full throttle into healing, don’t try so hard either to heal with a specific timeline. Just be, allow yourself to move at your own pace.  You don’t have to watch nine hundred videos and read twenty books on Narcissistic Abuse all at once.  Allow yourself too just be. 

ACCEPTANCE

Ok I am not going to lie this one is a difficult principle to practice and that’s ok.  Accept that you were in a relationship with a Narcissist, accept that they will never change.  Accept that this is where your life is right now.  If you can look through this internal lens it will allow you to begin to really work on your healing process. Radical acceptance is hard for survivors of Narcissistic Abuse because we want the Narcissist to apologize, to fix the situation. Acceptance takes time as well.

LETTING GO

This is the last principle, understand that you may have made choices in the past or engaged in behaviors that did not serve your higher self. You recognize that there are changes that you are making, and wanting to make in your future relationships, especially being able to engage in a relationship that is not repeating the toxic patterns you are breaking free from. Letting go is a process there will be days where you feel embodied in this and then there will be days you may not feel as strong and resolute in this, that’s ok.    Holding on to the pain will not allow you to move forward. 

Letting go activities:

Write an impact statement letter to your abuser, write everything that you want to let go of and how their actions, and words affected you. Get it all out in that letter.  This is the place and space to do it. So, make sure you are getting everything out. Read it out loud if you want to yourself, to your therapist, to a supportive family member or friend. Once you are done with the letter rip it up, burn it, give it to the person that listened, but the ritual of letting it go is important.

Get rid of any sentimental objects that could trigger you to want to break no contact.  This is part of letting go.  I know this one will be hard for you but if you keep the energy of those items or pictures, text messages whatever it maybe it’s still holding space in your life and preventing you from letting go.  Donate their clothes to Goodwill so at least you are doing something thoughtful for someone in need. The other items such as pictures or mementos put them in a garbage bag give them to a friend or family member that you trust that will take it away, so you have no chance of trying to retrieve it.

Again, blocking and going NO CONTACT if you can be the ultimate principle of letting go and choosing yourself and you’re healing. 

When we have or are considering leaving a Narcissist it is vital that you understand it is like going through detox on a mental and physical level.