Top Ten Things my Ex-Narcissist said and did.
I wanted to share my personal experience of being with a Narcissist and some of the oh so wonderful things my ex-narc used to say and do. I promise you will get to a place where you will be able to write a list of these things as an inventory of what you are not ever going to tolerate again in a relationship. I don’t sugarcoat anything in my work with Narcissistic Abuse Recovery but this does take time and effort. I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing that you may read some of these items and silently nod to yourself or say “Oh my god that same thing happened to me!” because guess what, Narcissists usually have the same category of patterns in terms of their behaviors and even slogans they use especially when it comes to gaslighting us. So here we go, some of these are direct text messages I have kept so some of these are yes verbatim which is a great reminder of where I needed to grow and learn from this experience.
1. Text message when I was discussing the importance of empathy. “Empathy is not a blind agreement.” Ok so...when I read this again after being in my own healing process this definitely aligns with their “word salad” hoopla. I mean I am a therapist and my understanding of empathy is your ability to put yourself in someone else’s experience and he lost me on the concept of Empathy is not a blind agreement. sounds like you’re saying empathy depends on how much you agree with me and my perspective.
2. This is my favorite. gift giving is one of my love languages. For the holidays I got my ex-Narc a watch and tickets to his favorite comedian. We had come home from a night with hanging out with his friends and there were Amazon boxes at his apartment, he of course was intoxicated and said “Merry Christmas”, I kid you not I opened one of the boxes having the same giddy feeling of opening a Christmas gift and he had gotten me a coloring book called “Calm the fuck down.” I guess my emotions and stress of our relationship was unmanageable for him that he thought a coloring book on our first Christmas together was appropriate. Here is the link. this truly does exist. https://a.co/d/5EdHO3R
3. Another classic text messages. “It’s your anxiety and what you do with it that bothers me.” Meanwhile, my anxiety was stemming from such a lack of trust and mutual respect. Not once did he ask what was causing the anxiety or how he can be more supportive.
4. The next response was in conjunction of us dating for about three months and gently asking him what the status of our relationship was and how he and his ex-wife viewed monogamy. “My last marriage we had a don’t ask don’t tell policy.” IF THERE EVER WAS A RED FLAG FOR A RED FLAG THIS IS IT RIGHT HERE. I felt in my body so unsafe and anxious when he said this basically it was self-disclosure that he was going to cheat.
5. Another text after I was so activated and dysregulated by his ability not to be able to take accountability. “You’re not broken you’re hysterical.” Perfect example of gaslighting. See how the Narcissist does a wonderful surgical job of invalidating an emotional experience and then making a shaming statement that you are hysterical.
6. This is another all-time favorite and this is why you should always go NO CONTACT and BLOCK. I was already broken up but still in the hope fantasy stage that the Narcissist would magically change. If you have your PhD in Narcissism, you know that Narcissist love to use illness of any kind to reel use back in. Well during the pandemic, I am sure many of us had a Narcissist/COVID moment. He sent me a YouTube video of himself on a tirade of how he was sick and pissed. He literally sent me this video with the following text’s I may very likely have covid let me elaborate and then sends me the video. After once again demonstrating empathy not blindly may I add, he wrote a text a couple of days later stating “I had covid brain and shouldn’t have contacted you” You can’t make this stuff up people.
7. My ex-narc was a vegan, I spent many hours listening to him talk about veganism, heck I even took him to a vegan food festival and he somehow managed to participate in a push up challenge there as well, and of course making sure it was videotaped. But what really boggled my mind is that during the weekends when he was binge drinking the veganism somehow left the building. I am talking about this dude legit would eat Taco bell.
8. This is also a follow up to 7, because of his binge drinking there were many weekends where I couldn’t get a hold of my partner. His binge drinking would be so bad that he would drive with his cellphone on top of his car or the “battery” was always dead, those were such horrible times because again he controlled when he could be accessible. If I was lucky enough to talk to him intoxicated. it was like talking to a drunk kitten.
9. This is also a follow up to 7 and 8, because of his binge drinking, most of our Sundays were spent watching documentaries while he nursed his hangover. Romantic right?
10. Finally, the classic example that the Narcissist thinks that they are above the law. my ex literally would drive intoxicated and had no active license and several DUI’s so there you go.
