What I Learned From World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day 2021
World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness (WNAAD) summit was held virtually this week. Although it was sad to see that we could not be in the same room with the presenters, it was nonetheless a truly educational and informative summit. You can follow on Instagram at @joinwnaad.
World Narcissistic Abuse Day Summit History
For those of you that do not know what WNAAD it was founded by Bree Bonchay a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She used her own personal experiences and clinical work to develop a support network for survivors, clinicians, advocates to increase the awareness into this sometimes-invisible insidious abuse cycle. The summit hosted twenty guest speakers that work with survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. The Summit address an array of topics to address how Narcissistic Abuse happens in many different family systems, work settings and even in religious groups. Each speaker brought an authentic and poignant outlook to Narcissistic Abuse, toxic relationships, understanding boundaries in families, and the path to healing. Here are some of my takeaways from the summit, I hope this information will help you wherever you are in this path to recovery.
Families and Toxic Relationships
The Mantra Family is Everything: Well, it is not everything if you are in a toxic family system. There were two speakers that really nailed and dismantled this idea that if we are living or being exposed to a Narcissistic family that we must silently endure it. Annie Wright a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist shared a beautiful personal story of her own childhood with a parent and how that relational trauma informed her work with people that are going through it currently. She discussed and shared her own actual scripts she wrote, to empower her clients to start use when dealing with toxic family members. She discussed that when we do our own work in therapy it starts to inform a more objective perspective of how and why our toxic family member are operating from their own trauma responses. Her presentation was kind and gentle in the sense that she humanized the complexity of relational trauma in families but also that we can make better choices in our own healing and modeling appropriate boundaries for our own children. She was kind enough to give us a copy of her script: Say this Not that. I have to say I have been utilizing this with my own clients in our work. If you go to her website and sign up for her mailing list, you can access her script. I promise you these were fantastic and when you feel stuck in the moment of what to stay to set a boundary this a wonderful resource.
Another therapist discussed her personal experience and how it is informed her practice and work. Dr. Sherrie Campbell PhD spoke to Bree about finding closure with toxic family members. She discussed that the “identified patient” of the family tends to be the one that is more awaken to the dysfunctionality of the family system. She discussed that as painful as this process was for her it empowered her to write two books on it and she is currently publishing her third. She shared how this is a difficult process and how it takes sometimes years of leaving and going no contact with family members. She highlighted different roles in family systems that tend to cast people in roles they never truly signed up for such as the “scapegoat, the golden child, and the problem child.” She discussed that finding a place of putting yourself first and your healing is an important part of the work. At the end of the day both therapist discussions highlighted the importance of making your healing and self-care a priority, understanding toxic family systems is not a self-reflection of who you are as a person and that boundary setting is a learned skill and takes many times to practice. You can read Dr. Campbell’s book: “Your pocket therapist; Quick Hacks for Dealing with Toxic People while Empowering Yourself.”
Divorcing and leaving a Narcissist
We all know tooo well that we have mustered up the courage and fortitude to end a marriage or relationship with a Narcissist but the intensity of legally separating and even attempting to co-parent with the Narcissist is just so intense. I have read and seen a lot of survivors verbalizing that this is one of the most difficult process, they openly share that there was a sigh of relief that they made the decision to leave but then talk about the terrors of navigating divorce and custody issues. There was a great speaker Susan Shofer, who is an advocate and certified divorce coach that provided some good insight into how to start this process safely and what are some good criteria in searching for a divorce attorney, she was able to share her worksheets on navigating divorce. She validates the hurt, confusion and realization that a relationship has ended the way it has with a Narcissist but discusses the importance of doing your research thoroughly on the legal system and child alienation. She encourages people to obtain their own therapy or recovery support network. She was able to empathize with women and men who may be going through a legal divorce with a Narcissist. So, if this speaks to you, I will definitely take a peak at her website.
Inside the Mind of the Abuser
Another thing that I enjoyed about the Summit this year was that not only did it have speakers that were addressing recovery, but it had speakers that helped us truly understand the internal and external workings of a toxic person or a Narcissist. Sometimes, part of the recovery is learning to study and assimilate that a Narcissists’ behaviors have absolutely nothing to do with us at ALL, but for the external validation of others and having an unending sense of power and control. Lundy Bancroft a therapist who has extensive years of working with male abusers succinctly described the inside mind of an abuser. It really gave me more insight as a therapist about being able to provide some brief but vital information to my clients about the abuser’s behaviors not being about them as people. He also discussed the cycle of abuse and highlighted ways that people can take steps to safeguard their family.
The summit also addressed the complexities of understanding Narcissistic Abuse, many of us in the community talk about the “unseen” abuse that happens. We recognize that there are “overt” and “covert” Narcissists. This still needs more education and awareness especially when it comes to something called “covert aggression.” Dr. George Simon wrote a book called “In sheep’s clothing.” This book really confirms that there is the phenomena of covert narcissism and covert aggression. This again helps support people to validate and confirm their intuition that people can be narcissists and that their partners have toxic characteristics. He talked about Narcissist’s manipulation tactics and “impression management techniques.” He has been working for extensive years unmasking this phenomenon of “covert narcissism.”
Healing from a Narcissistic Abusive Relationship
Essentially, the summit also provided space for many clinicians, life coaches, advocates that have gone through this abuse illicit hope for me to feel more empowered and ambitious in the work we have out there to help people heal. Caroline Strawson was such a breath of fresh air and her energy was palpable when she discussed the process of recovery from Narcissistic Abuse. She was able to share her story and how she was able to harness all that pain into energy to build her private practice. Caroline does some phenomenal work that is aligned with the work that I am doing. She utilizes mindfulness, body, and mind connections, she is really looking at the aftermath of complex post-traumatic stress disorder and how it affects the central nervous system. This is so important to highlight because if you have come out of a Narcissistic abusive relationship many of use describe suffering from memory and concentration issues, easily reactive, and emotional. She is going even further in her work to create the Post Traumatic Growth Academy, I just love this idea that we are creating more dynamic spaces for people to come and get the help, education, and tools they need to move forward in their life. She is a beautiful human and you are doing yourself or a loved one a great disservice if you don’t at least pop on her Instagram @carolinestrawson to see her inspirational work!
Sometimes when we do this work with our clients the work is heavy intense, it triggers our own past traumas, other times we are doing really good work, but the mental health field may not have a better understanding of this issue. But hearing all these guest speakers was awe inspiriting to see how many wonderful, dedicated, highly intelligent and emotionally attuned professionals are in this field. We must keep educating ourselves and being open to new ideas, give space for the work because it is collectively healing so many people that have been in pain. And always I am here when you want to share your story.
