The Stages of Changes It Takes to Leave a Narcissist
When clients come to me seeking therapy there is so much confusion, internal chaos that they are going through, they verbalize feeling like they cannot make sense of their thoughts, that they are “stuck” in how to move forward to leave a Narcissist.
"I want to get out of this rollercoaster of a relationship!"
It is totally normal to feel this way and that there is so much ambivalence, confusion, fear and pain that centers around all of this. My job is to help break down these components so people can understand what they are ready for in terms of change. Change is scary, the unknown seems like a deep abyss, add in a global pandemic this year and our fight or flight response has been on overload. I work with clients in my therapy sessions in understanding what they are ready to do. It is as simple as that. I meet them where they are. I am not here to force you to leave a Narcissistic abusive relationship but rather to assess and help provide you with some clarity of where you are in your readiness to change. I like to utilize the Stages of Change Model introduced in the late 1970s by researchers James Prochaska and Carlo DiClemente when working with clients. I like it because it gives a clear framework of where you may in terms of change and it allows you to have some clarity, because if you have experienced a Narcissistic Abusive relationship there is no clarity of boundaries, no clarity of respect and authentic love, no clarity of connection and no clarity of mutual trust.
If you are thinking about leaving a Narcissist there are couple of internal questions you may want to sit with or gently ask yourself:
Readiness: Do you have the support (mentors, therapist, friends, and family) that can help you make this commitment to leave a Narcissistic Abusive relationship? This is so key because it really does take a village to help someone go through this. Also making sure whatever type of support system you have in your life that they do not have contact with the Narcissist. This is important for you to have people that are not going to muddled, manipulated, or pressured to choose sides in your recovery. That is why finding a therapist is a good start because therapy is place where whatever you are sharing and discussing is kept confidential, it is an unbiased space for you to have a sounding board for the steps that you want to take to make this change. An online support group is good but be careful on what you disclose online again you want this process to be private but believe it or not Narcissists will hoover on this online groups. If you do decide to join an online group read over the group rules to make sure there is an established sense of safety. Invest in some reading materials as you go through this process, allow yourself to read books that gravitate towards you and support transformation. On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being not ready and 10 being the readiest where are you today? It is also common to know that if you ask this question daily this number could fluctuate? You must go at your own pace, no one can force you to do this until you truly embody and feel that you are at a 10 for a significant period of time. What internal resources do you have? This is an opportunity to take some time and think about a long term goal you had achieved in your life and identify the skills, assets you have as a person that make you unique and special. Unfortunately, a Narcissist does a good job of dismantling this. Ask yourself what are the qualities that I admire in myself? Do you have the external resources, again this about being able to connect to a therapist, a Certified Life Coach, an MD, a pastor, friends, books, YouTube videos anything that can help champion this transformation. I like to think of this as building your toolbox, if you are working on a major renovation you are going to need all different types of tools for success, many different need to be added to this toolbox and it must resonate for you.
What is keeping you stuck? Sit down and write a list of what is getting in your way? Is it fear, is it difficulty with setting boundaries? Some of my clients even share that they feel a stigma about leaving the Narcissist and that people judge them for staying in an abusive relationship for so long that they chose to just stay longer? One of the major ones that clients talk about with me is if there is a family involved especially children this can be the most significant barrier to leaving a Narcissist. There is a lot of well-versed divorce coaches, lawyers that specialize in high contention divorces, so take time to research these resources, they can help you safely navigate these issues especially when you are dealing with children through this process. People share with me that they are dependent on the Narcissist for some of their most basic needs like shelter, money, food, and other necessities. It is important to connect to agencies that can help with free legal advice such as Legal Aid, local domestic violence agencies. I will be transparent this process needs to be done carefully and slowly, that is why it is important to take your time with these resources.
What would happen if you went back? When I work with clients, I discuss understanding their triggers for returning to the Narcissist or breaking the NO CONTACT rule. Triggers are our teachers, they teach us areas that we may need to be more consistent with our boundaries, they teach use what emotions get activated quickly and how that may trigger behaviors that are not protecting us. It can be as simple of places you went with the Narcissist that hold fond memories, items that remind you of the Narcissists, reading old text messages when the Narcissist was love bombing you, or being around people that are still in contact with the Narcissist. Take inventory of what you struggled with when you were with the Narcissist? Take inventory of your physical health, mental health, were you having more difficulty at work, did you isolate from family and friends. Write a list out of what you experienced, keep looking at that list daily to remind you of what it was like when you were with the Narcissist.
Stages of Change When You Leave a Narcissist
Stage 1. Pre-Contemplation: This is the first stage of change. Many times, clients will talk about this period being subtle and they are noticing that the love bombing has either suddenly or slowly fizzled out, clients start to notice the change in their partners, they share that they don’t want to see the red flags, so a lot of times we are in a state of denial or rationalizing their behaviors. Clients talk about trying to change the behavior of the Narcissist by overcompensating in the relationship, appeasing their partner, engaging in the “fawn” response. Clients will say statements like “If I wasn’t so emotional these conflicts wouldn’t happen.” Be gentle with yourself, being a survivor and someone that has a therapeutic background I ignored the red flags in my previous relationship that’s full transparency we are still human beings we want a deep connection. I work with clients to identify the red flags first; it is not about changing the Narcissists but it’s working on identifying the red flags and how those red flags are impacting your behaviors. When I work with clients, they talk about seeing past the red flags that the beautiful passionate loving moments with the Narcissist outweigh the negative experiences. Finally, it’s really important to assess your risk in this relationship. Is your mental, physical health being compromised? Safety is key, safety does not mean just physical safety but emotionally safety as well.
Stage 2. Contemplation stage of change: During this phase of change clients will start to verbalize to me that they are gaining more insight and awareness into the tumultuous relationship, but they talk about the moments when things are stable with the Narcissist and verbalize a sense of hope that things will get better. It is totally natural to have conflicting feelings, confusion, and ambivalence about leaving. When I work with clients, we start to make a list of the benefits and costs of staying with a Narcissist. Is it costing your mental, physical health? Have you lost other meaningful close relationships? It is important to take inventory of all these things. Many clients stay in this stage of change for a long time. It is important to be compassionate with yourself if you feel stuck in the phase of change you are a work in progress, but there are people that can help you take a deeper dive into what your barriers are. And it is important to validate your feelings around this, it’s ok to be fearful, to still love the Narcissist, to feel hope for the future, and confusion all at the same time. This is work. You must be willing to put the work in. There are days when it may be exhausting but being consistent in keeping small promises to yourself is extremely important.
Stage 3 .Preparation Stage: When I work with clients during this stage, they are working on small changes in their life with the Narcissist, they can be the simplest things as not engaging in a conflict and practicing grey rocking methods, they are identifying ways to minimize turbulent emotions with the Narcissist. Something that is important to note is I work with many clients that go NO CONTACT with the Narcissist and break it, so in this stage again we are working on ways to take steps to re-direct back to NO CONTACT and protective steps to keep that place in process. I celebrate my clients each time they can go NO CONTACT an extra day, week, month or year from a Narcissist. We set realistic goals around setting boundaries, practicing small self-care rituals, and developing a support network.
Stage 4. Action Stage of Change: This stage is where my clients are taking direct action to leave or break contact from the Narcissist, they have their NO CONTACT game plan in place, they have taken the proper steps to make sure they ready to go NO CONTACT or minimal contact if there are children involved. This is where clients are leaving the relationship, starting to seek out support from others, taking legal action. This is a scary time again because we are putting the plan into action. It is common for people to have increased anxiety, hyper-vigilance, that is why it is so important to have a support network or what I like to call “my treatment team.” You will have more success leaving a Narcissistic Abusive relationship if you have a small support network of people, engaged in some type of therapy or recovery course and your action plan. Leaving a Narcissist can be the loneliest debilitating process you will be more successful if you have support around you.
Stage 5. Maintenance
This stage of change is where my clients are practicing daily NO CONTACT, or minimal NO CONTACT if children are involved, avoiding triggering situations that may cause them to break the NO CONTACT rule. In this stage we are working on staying consistent with safety plan, NO CONTACT, and self-care rituals. This is a time to dig deeper into the work of understanding how we ended up in the toxic relationship. This stage is where I see most of my clients consistently coming to therapy, addressing attachment issues in childhood, slowly processing the trauma bonding, continuing to work on practicing healthy boundaries with people in our lives.
Stage 6. Relapse: Once again I believe in a 100% transparency and being through Narcissistic Abuse myself, you will relapse and break NO CONTACT, it’s just part of the process. Again, therefore it’s so important to have a support system, be in some form of therapy where you can unpack all these feelings of guilt, shame, disappointment, anger and sadness because you will experience these. I use this time with my clients to ask simply what can we learn from this? What were the triggers? We work on regrouping and simply starting over. We revisit the goals that clients have verbalized for themselves and putting her eyes on that prize. Relapse is part of the process I am afraid to say but it is a learning experience that can help re-center why you want to leave this toxic relationship. It is ok to be frustrated, angry, sad, hopeful, and fearful. It is important during the time to honor these emotions as well and not to resist them.
And I always say to people that are interested in starting therapy with me “I am here when you are ready.”
