Can a Therapist Really Understand and Treat Narcissistic Abuse?

Hello Phoenix. People that have experienced Narcissistic Abuse have a hard time finding therapy and recovery, there is shame, guilt, and embarrassment that we stayed with the Narcissist for so long or still must be in the relationship with them. There is a lot of people currently working with mental health issues, abuse and other important life stressor that are coaches and social media influencers. This has been positive in many ways to help break down the stigma of mental illness and especially raise awareness of Narcissistic Abuse, however, I was in a group chat yesterday with some Coaches that talked about Narcissistic Abuse many coaches state that if a therapist has not lived through Narcissistic Abuse, they will not understand it. I want to share with you that mental health professionals whether they be social workers, psychiatrists, counselors, HAVE experienced Narcissistic Abuse. We are humans too. This is what makes this process even more unique to work. But I also want to say that your recovery is paramount and there are mental health professionals that understand this.

I will let you in a personal story, about two years ago I was in a relationship for almost eight months with someone who in the beginning I thought was going to be an exciting new chapter in my life but ended up being a covert Narcissist. Here I was a therapist, with all this clinical training, and knowledge finding myself having to literally pick myself up from the floor and put the pieces together. It was a short-lived relationship in some ways a blessing, but the damage was extremely potent and toxic to my inner being, this was shortly before the pandemic hit. Through this process I was in therapy too, and I have the most unconditionally supportive therapist who was able to hold space while I went through this process. It also started to trigger understanding my own toxicity in family dynamics, and my anxious attachment patterns, things that I thought I had worked through but started to have to revisit. I do not usually self-disclose to clients but sometimes it is important for the purpose of education. We do not disclose this necessarily because the process of recovery and therapy is about YOU! But I get why there is some hesitancy and resistance. I was in an online group chat with Coaches who are working with people that have experienced Narcissistic Abuse, there was some discussion that mental health professionals do not understand this process. This is not true. The reason I specialize in this work is because this recovery and experience of leaving a Narcissist is so fragile and complicated. It is intense work. During the discussion people were commenting on having had a brief encounter with mental health professionals in the past that did not understand what they were going through. I do want to say to anyone reading this and having this experience that I am sorry you had that encounter. And normalizing that there are mental health professionals, doctors and even lawyers you may have worked with that do not understand the intricacy and complexity of Narcissistic Abuse. BUT, as a mental health professional our ethical code and conduct is that we are always learning, and the importance of empirical research on this topic needs to continue. And as a community of mental health providers, we need to continue to educate children, adolescent, and Adults around this.

It is important that you really find a clinician and/or coach that understands not only Narcissistic Abuse but mental health, substance use, trauma, crisis, and family dynamics in this work. Mental health professionals spend a large amount of time working with people on confidentiality, creating a therapeutic setting and most importantly safety. This takes time with a therapist. A s we are going through the pandemic telehealth has been a godsend, but it is important that you know that you should be working on a HIPPA compliant video platform and that your therapist is a licensed professional in the state you live in. These are important elements to safety and building a therapeutic alliance. Mental health professionals have a background in understanding multiple dynamics that may happening such as mental health symptoms, trauma informed care which requires a lot of training to work in a safe manner that does not re-traumatize a person. We have a background in substance use or co-occurring disorders, mental health professionals have a lot of training on understanding suicidality and even homicidal thoughts which trust me when we are dealing with a Narcissist, we can have them. I encourage you to do your research when you embark on this endeavor. It is ok to ask a therapist if they have experienced Narcissistic Abuse or what makes them want to work with survivors of Narcissistic Abuse, some will share that they have gone through a similar situation, others may not but they understand the underlining experiences of shame, helplessness, and depression. I asked my tribe of mental health professionals what was the driving reason you wanted to get into this profession? Many of us have experienced an adverse event in our life, and yes trauma. The ultimate tool we have as a therapist is empathy, we live it and breathe it every day with our clients, we dig into the deepest part of our being to hold space for our work with you. As I write this, I still must understand my own shame and guilt that as a therapist I allowed this abuse to happen, but in so many ways this has been a gift to inform me even more about trauma, relational trauma, and abuse.

Another point I wanted to bring up is that as mental health professionals we have an ethical and moral responsibility to make sure you are safe. We work a lot on safety planning, because when we are dealing with Narcissistic Abuse, we lack a sense of safety. Many people also may have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, we can go to dark places in our minds and bodies. It is important that you have a mental health counselor that understands how to work with a you on safety in all regards, such as going at your own pace, who you feel comfortable giving emergency contact information to for us to contact if an emergency does come up, safety planning if you need to leave the abuser. Recovery is a very intense, consistency in a therapist is important, making sure there are therapeutic boundaries are there to protect you.

Some things I want to share with you to help guide you on finding the right person to guide you and what recovery looks like for you?

• · Take your time finding a therapist, yes research therapists or coaches. Visit their websites, are they a Coach? Did they get special training from an educator or mental health professional that has training in personality disorders or trauma? Ask them their clinical background or training? Are they licensed or not licensed in their state? What is their approach to Narcissistic Abuse Recovery? If they are a Coach, Do they work in conjunction with a clinical therapist? Advocates are great resources as well, if you see people that are Narcissistic Abuse Survivors write to them, ask them what their process was? Do they have recommendations of clinicians or professionals in your local area?

• · How will the sessions be done? Do you need and want to go back to an office to see a therapist or coach? Are they seeing clients in person? If you are comfortable with telehealth route, you should be on a HIPPA complaint video platform that protects your identity, HIPPA is extremely important. Therapist use Psychologytoday.com or Simple Practice to do video sessions. There are other video platforms as well. This type of work should be done in person or on a video conference all.

• · Again, it is ok to ask a therapist if they have experienced Narcissistic Abuse. Some may not disclose because the focus is on you, but others will share some parts. It is totally natural to want to have someone that understands and can truly, truly empathize with your experience. It is also important that a therapist or coach understand clinical background of a personality disorder such as Narcissism.

• · Take your time finding a therapist or coach. Many therapist or coaches will provide a 15-minute consultation to share your story and ask some questions and it gives you an opportunity to ask questions as well. This is crucial, if you do not get a good vibe or a sense of professionalism you do not have to pick that person. THIS IS YOUR RECOVERY. This is part of practicing self-worth and reclaiming your wants and needs in life. Observe when you do make an inquiry how responsive professionals are getting back to you. This is intense stuff you are working on; you want a therapist or coach to email you or call you back within 24 hours. We talk about red flags we missed in the beginning of the relationship with the Narcissist, pay attention to any red flags you get when contacting therapist or coaches. Yes, there are a lot of therapist and coaches on social media that have thousands of followers that are posting meaningful and poignant things about Narcissistic Abuse but also ask yourself will this person have space to provide consistent treatment with you. How many clients do they see a week, remember we experience burn out so a good therapist and coach is creating balance and boundaries as well so that they can be fully attuned to their clients. Go slow. In many ways finding a therapist or coach is the first “healthy relationship” you are trying to establish since leaving or beginning to contemplate leaving a Narcissist.

• · Do what works for you, if you feel pressure to schedule an appointment or make a decision than trust your gut. This is your time and investment in yourself it should be welcoming and at ease. Some people enjoy doing an online workshop or class on this first, that is ok too. Try it out and see if it was able to help you resolve your issue. Be compassionate with yourself, you are not supposed to have all the answers but that is why finding someone that is trained clinically and has lived perhaps to a similar experience is important, they will give you resources and support.

I have been there I get it. We are human, the heartbreaking element about Narcissistic Abuse is that it can literally happen to anyone. Be patient with yourself.

I will be writing more about beginning treatment and finding the right healer for you! Until next time my Phoenix, Rise and Thrive!